An introvert moment. Or maybe more

I was laying here this morning in bed and thinking. Life has come full circle for me. I am pretty well back where I was many years ago. Laying in bed to all hours of the morning. Sometimes close to afternoon before I decide it is time that I got myself moving . No I am not that bad but sometimes I think that is where I should stay. What is the sense of getting up, there is nothing and no one to see or do.

First off why I am in bed is the fact that something in my bod has decided it should cause me pain. Sometimes so much pain that I am just sick. Sick to my stomach pain. I am not sick in the way you might think. It has to do with my sjogrens and fibromyalgia. I go into flares. A part of my body will be hurt from something. Or even if it is just tension of some kind. Then the pain starts to spread. Radiating out in all directions until it spreads to a good portion of my body. As it worsens the pain just takes over my well being. Hence I feel like shit! Being at home during the closedown of everything is in one way a godsend, but in another it is hard.

The introvert in me loves the time at home. I have been crafting to my hearts content. Between bouts in bed because of this excessive pain I am having. Who knows what I will do with this project when it is done. It does keep me busy during this time at home. Needle in and needle out. Glance at the tv every now and then that plays in the background for noise. More needle in and needle out. over to the table to pin another piece on. It is like one huge jigsaw puzzle, but with material instead. An idea I came up a while ago and went with it to see if I could do it. So far coming together nicely, but in the end will it be something I like or something improbable had waisted my time on. I am my own worse critic.

I am not much of a talker. Unless it is on this machine I play with every morning. I can blab a mile a minute on this machine. This technology of an iPad. It is my constant companion. I am up in the morning and check out my mail. Then onto the social media sites and see what everyone of my so called friends are doing. They wouldn’t know me from a hill of beans, but I check out what they are up to. If I unfriended everyone they would not miss me. They do not even know I am there in the first place. I am just a lurker reading their posts. Once in awhile I will pop in with my own post and wait to see if anyone of my lurkers will pipe back to me with a comment or a like. We do this banter over breakfast in the morning. I see posts from all over the world. What and where and how everyone is doing on a given day. This is my world. Now if I met face to face with them I would be the quietest person going. Not a peep out of me. I would nod or maybe a word or two, but if they got a whole sentence out of me they would look at me with amazement. I am an introvert

It takes me a long time to make a friend. Well they are friends with me. They like my company. Now I think am I the same to them. I don’t call them on the phone to check up on them. i hate to talk on the phone.can not make small talk. I don’t visit unless I am ask to come on over. If I was to drop in unannounced I would feel so uncomfortable. Am I welcome or am I just being a bother to them. I know they are there for me, but in the same right am I there for them. I think I have trust issues. I don’t want to get too close. I will get someone to be a friend and then they will leave and go on with their life and I will be left to my own again. So I do not have many close friends. I don’t let anyone in too far. If I did they will be gone again. It hurts too much so that is the introvert in me.

I am 61 years old. I know I am no social butterfly. Have never had a big social circle of people around me. If at all possible I will be on my own and not see anyone. I can go days without contact with anyone. I have no curtesy for anyone either. Maybe I never learned common sense. I walk around the block with my dogs. Everyone is walking and saying hi as you walk by. Me I walk with my head down or in the clouds. Keeping to myself and not really noticing. Not seeing anything. Am I that introverted that I do not see the world around me.

Maybe this month of self isolation is getting to me. Believe me I like my time alone, but there is a point where you have to get out. You have to see people. Maybe it is the fact that my routine has been changed. Hubbie is home all the time now. He is working from home and is always here. I have to open up and listen. He says things and I am tuned out and don’t hear. I am told about that.

For years I was home alone. I had a routine and did what I did. Life passed in a heartbeat. Then there was change. I came out of my hidie hole and started and new branch of my life. I went out. Not just to the mall to get out of the house. I went out and met people. Imagine that. Meeting people. I made a few friends and went out with them. Now it feels full circle. I am back on my own. Back where I started. Quiet and hiding out in my own world. I know everyone is still out there, but will this end soon enough without any loss. So the hidie hole I am in again can go. I may be a introvert but I have changed. I need the circle of friends to be there for me again.

So for now my hidie hole stays and I only get out for groceries or other necessities. Netflix is my friend for now. I am sorry if I do not reach out to any of you by phone. I can not make conversation that way. It is just too hard for me to do. I am here for you if you need me, but to make small banter talk you may be out of luck. That is the introvert in me.

For me right now the person in the mirror is therefor me. She may look like an old women but she has great advise for me. Stay home and stay well so you can go out and play again someday soon. This too will pass and your introverted self can go out to enjoy friendship again.

Love ya all. Stay healthy and wise to stay home so I can talk to ya later.

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