I sit here while the snow falls outside and debate

Yes it is snowing around here.  We bragged a month ago about the beautiful weather we had here.  January was full of sunshine and clear blue skies. Temperatures always in the high 5 to 10 degrees.  That is celsius, you know, not farenhiet. So little warmer then some of you might think. Could be out in t-shirts and light jackets during the day.  I enjoyed my days out.  Have gone on  few adventures of driving around the valley and enjoying the scenery. I wrote a couple of blogs on those a trips out a month ago.  Have not been on here much since.

Boom! February rolls around.  Weather changes and the temperature drops. Snowflakes start falling quietly down.  Large flakes, small flakes, a little rain in with it then back to fluffy soft piles that cover the land.  This causes havoc around here.  Schools close and roads are blocked up and slippery.  Cars are off the roads and everything comes to a standstill. So there is me sitting at home and goofing around on the computer and watching the tv shows i have recorded.

With the change in the weather also come the havoc with me.  Up and down go my pain levels.  Up and down go my tiredness. As I have said before I have fibromyalgia and sjogrens syndrome.  Plus a imagery of many other things that keep cropping up every now and then to make me feel like shit.  Yeah I just swore here.  Shit is what it is.  I never know one day to the next how I will be feeling. So some days I write about being up and about, but most of the time I am not writing cause I really don’t know how I feel.  I know that some of you that read this really do not want to hear about my down days.  I think I should write about this as well, but it just makes me feel worse then what i am feeling anyways.

Well now I guess I should bring this into the opened too.  So you know what is going on with me full circle.  If I only write one side of this story of my seasoned years of being well and getting along great it does not give the full story.  It will be a bouncing story.  of great days and bad days.  Also a few days in between.

A few years ago I was working.  I would get out whenever I wanted.  I could afford to have a good life.  I could go on Vacations whenever I pleased.  With or without my other half.  Enjoy going out to dinner with friends or my family. Mostly though I chose to enjoy my time at home.  Doing my crafts and enjoying my time with family

I realized that just family was not enough for me.  I needed some girlfriend time.Something I have never had since I was in high school. Yes I am 60 now and have not had much in girlfriend time in so many years.  I have never had anyone to talk about women things going on in my life.  So i kinda just closed my self off.  My hubbies comments on most of complaints I ever had is get over it.  It is life.  So never really talked to him about things going on as it was always just get over it.  pick your self back up and get over it.  So I turned myself to raising my son and being the wife I should be. Nothing else in my life.I went to work every day, came home and did what I was to do at home.

I was lost.  There was really no me in this life. I was there for my son and I was there for my hubby.  Is there more in life then that?  I don’t know.  I was told by hubby that i should get some help from someone professional.  Why would I need someone professional. Never understood that there was anything wrong.  I was not happy, but I didn’t know how to change that.  We traveled from place to place every year because of hubbies work.  which left me with little other then entertaining myself.  Finally when we settle in one place. I got a job to feel as though I was wanted someplace.  16 Years of working and what was it for.  Well it had me money to shop with.  I did love to spend money.  I was always in the malls looking around.  Just to wander among other people.  I would go to work just to be around other people.  I did the best I could to keep myself out and about where there were other people around. I never Knew anyone when I was out and about, but i was around other people.

Things change in my life again.  I get the diagnosis that I am not going to live the great life that I thought I would be in my seasoned years. Sjogrens Syndrome.  This is a autoamunne disease that effects the tear ducts and saliva to start with.  from there the auto amunne will start attacking other parts of the body.  One by one.  One by one it is taking over my body.  I am hit with fibromyalgia, osteo arthritis, Rynards and little bits of other things are showing up over the years of me being told of my first problem.

I had to finish work.  No more being around people all the time.  I was going to start being on my own again.  only my hubby to see every day and my son once in awhile.  he has his own life now and visits once in awhile.  I had to find a way to be able to be around people.  I thought about volunteering.  the thing with that is though i would have to be there certain times and the way i feel some days would make it impossible to be someplace at a certain time.  So I guess volunteering is out.  I could find something where I only do once in while, but i never know how I would be doing from one day to another.

Before I finished working I saw an add in the paper for a group of ladies.  this group was meant for fun and laughter.  you could go when you wanted.  There was no set time or place.  Just having fun.  So I decided to join up.  That was seven years ago.  I get to see people and have a bit of fun on the side.  I made a few girlfriends I can talk with if I want to chat.  Well I made allot of girlfriends.  The group is called the Red Hat Society.  Started over 20 years ago by a group of ladies in California..  From there the society has spread across the country and around the world.  I have met so many beautiful ladies I can chat with anytime.  Ether in person at a get together or on the internet through a social media sight or jut messaging back and forth.  I am not close to anyone, but I know I can chat when I want to.  I go to events and get-togethers and be with these ladies.  I have gone to events around this area and have also traveled afar to partake in larger events.  the other thing I love about this group is that if I am traveling on my own someplace I can meet up with these ladies someplace and not be alone.  The thing is if you get too involved it just cost a bit of money in costumes and lunches and traveling.  So keep it real and do what you want and not go overboard. #Poweroffun

So now I have my social group, but I still have what I have to live with.Well I am sick and have to take that day to day. It is something that can not be cured.   It lives with me, but sometimes it takes over and I am not sure what I should be doing.

I love going out to places and seeing people. I love going to plays and concerts and listening to the music.  I love going out and enjoying the company of others.  It is just that sometimes these things happen at night.  rainy dark nights.  driving is not as great as what I use to do.  I think I scare passengers that ride with me at night.  sometimes during the day if it is a nasty day.  I sometimes miss turns.  I go wide once in while and sometimes I scare myself when I am driving.  I know I am still competent in driving, but there are some days when I am not up to snuff that I should not be driving.  I say I am only 60.  I should not be like this some days, but I am.

It worries me that I will be going back into my shell again.  You know the shell were I don’t go anywhere.  Where I do not talk to anyone.  Where I just sit on my duff all day and think about what I could be doing.  I know it is starting. I go to events and I sit back and I watch and listen.  I love the comerodery of all these ladies together.  What did I say.  I sit back and Listen.  well I more watch.  Lately listening has not been my strong suit.  It seems that I am always a few steps behind everyone else in conversations.  It takes me a bit to comprehend what is going on.  Probably allot to do with not hearing right.  I do get it , but my mind seems to be a bit slower at figuring out.  the joke said and I will laugh about it later then anyone else.  So now I just sit back and watch.  Put my two cents in when I can, but I just don’t seem to be in on the conversations.  It is like I can not make conversation anymore.  I could sit here and write all the time on Facebook or on my blog, but to be face to face with someone and talk with them I have nothing that I can say.  I am not in the conversations going on around me.  It makes me wonder.  Is something else going on  now that Has not been noticed yet by others.  Hubby wonders why I stare at him when he says something to me.  I am trying to figure out what he has said.  he says put in my hearing aids.  it doesn’t seem to help as I am not able to understand what he said anyways. the words are just a jumble sometimes.  So I answer him and he says listen to the comment as you are answering something totally different then what I asked for.

Frustrating it is.  Something in my brainwaves are cross wiring and it has to be figured out. I know I do not write about too personal a things, but today is a snowy day and the weather is changing over and over again.  from cold to warn to decent to rainy or snowy. It throws my body in to this roller coaster of pain to no pain.  From tiredness to feeling great. From conffusion to very wanting to do something.

It was a beautiful day yesterday.  I drove into Burnaby to see a doc about an ultrasound. two hour drive in and two hour drive home.  for a five minute tell me that nothing is wrong.  I wandered around Metrotown for a bit as I was early for appointment.  By the time I got home I was so exhausted. I stopped and got subs for supper as there was no way in the world I was going to cook.  I get home and am told why did I only get that.  I was too tired to say anything.

so that is my confusing life.  Up to down, backwards to forwards. Tired to upbeat.  My world I live with I would love somedays to be just normal for a bit.But this makes me what I am.

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